So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
did you just send me my own nude
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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