I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
