and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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