porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
