Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
