your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
