Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
