moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
