moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
