Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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