I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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