I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
