I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
