Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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