I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
