Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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