i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
