While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
