Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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