I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
