Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
