man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
