They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
