dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
