my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
