This girl is more easily done than said...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
