I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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