Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
