woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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