My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
