don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So many bounce houses so little time
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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