please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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