I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
