I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
