Im at strip club and am horny
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
