A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
