So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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