I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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