I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
