Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The adults are the big ones right?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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