she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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