Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
