fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
