I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
