my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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