I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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