the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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