If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize
