the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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