Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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