ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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