I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Houston, we have a blender
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
