I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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